For today’s episode, we monologue with the ghost of Max Loring about why we can’t just be happy for each other—why does everything have to be so petty and small-minded? Why do I want everyone else to fail?
This week’s water is a follow-up to the Grapefruit Sessions: Spindrift, Good & Gather and Kirkland Signature.
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This is our much anticipated interview with ousted co-founder Ivan the Betrayer. Working out of a family garage, Ivan and I attempted to produce a user-friendly podcast about Sparkling Water—staying up all night, tinkering with the recipe for hours and hours, manically talking to ourselves about the perfect format.
As you all know, Ivan abandoned us amid a power struggle over creative control. This might be the return of a disgraced co-founder, but make no mistake: Ivan is no Steve Jobs.
This week’s water: Cucumber Mint from Good & Gather, Múre Pepino from La Croix (Cúrate), Cucumber Lemon by Voss.
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We sit down with Straight-Shooter Lacey Starr and talk memes and momos before wandering into the mysterious forest of Sushi. Many things are revealed during the recording of this brief episode, most notably we finally know who has a crush on whom—judge for yourselves.
Water of the week: Peach from Bubly, Ginger-Peach from Good & Gather and Peach-Nectarine from Talking Rain.
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And now we are asked to shelter-in-place. How long will this last? Will we ever be the same? How short is shortness of breath?
This morning we allowed ourselves “little a AHA sparkling water, as a treat.” And to Chase Windu, wherever you are: Stay Safe, My Brother.
This week’s water is three flavors of AHA from Coca-Cola: Grapefruit + Orange, Green Tea + Citrus, Bluberry + Pomegranate.
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In response to the COVID-19 outbreak and with guidance from public health bureaucrats, the M. Joakim Eriksson Center for American Decline will now be housed at AmericanDecline.org so that we can continue to provide our services in a manner which is safe for our staff, clients and larger community.
Thank you for your patience and understanding during this unusual time.
We sit down with Max “hardest worker in Seattle coming through” Loring and have a brief conversation about social media and unemployment in the age of Coronavirus before we completely lock horns on the issue of Talking Rain.
The water of the week is two flavors of caffeinated sparkling water from Talking Rain: Summer Melon and Blood Orange.
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We drink raspberry-flavored sparkling water from Cascade Ice, Bubly, La Croix and Talking Rain, and then we finally face our fears and talk about the issues we’ve been afraid to approach.
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Here, in the second half of the Grapefruits, we review La Croix, Bubly and Waterloo.
We also introduce a new segment (Sparkling Water Myths) and then talk Carbonara recipes, early childhood memories, physical fights, and the Madison Diner on Bainbridge Island (Family-owned? Family-owned!).
We wrap up the episode in agreement: We both love working for Eric Bahn and Ba Bar.
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In our first session with Coop, we review six brands of grapefruit-flavored sparkling water and talk about Ramlösa and how sparkling water is perceived in Joakim’s native Sweden.
We also touch upon Coop’s upbringing in Los Angeles which obviously leads to a conversation about God and restaurants in Seattle. Part one is a review of the Grapefruits by Signature Select (Safeway), Talking Rain and Cascade Ice. Part two will feature La Croix, Bubly and Waterloo.
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Please note that all M-CAS offices will close on July 13 in accordance with the “Swedish Knowledge Worker Mandatory Paid Leave” statute of the 1974 Instrument of Government.
Field Research: Day 28
My first job in America was not really a job.
Dear Sweden,
Here in America, banks provide a valuable service to their community.
Dear Sweden,
Here in America, there are no penis catalogs that wives can flip through to pick out the perfect penis for their husband’s penis augmentation surgery.
Field Research: Day 3
On my third day in America, I walk downstairs to get a haircut. The hair-dresser is a pleasant local woman in her early thirties.
Field Research: Day 188
I arrived at work and noticed that something was different. The sound of vegetable chopping was muted and anxious. The small-talk was subdued and peppered with dry throat-clearings. A sweaty mechanic was splayed out on the floor in front of me. He was tightening some bolts on the bottom of a sink.
Today, as President Trump announces America’s intent to retreat from reality, make sure to plant your feet firmly on the right side of history and purchase the “Accelerate The American Decline” coffee mug.
Field Research: Day 1
“Shifu, today I am moving to America,” I say as the taxi climbs the on-ramp and careens toward the Beijing Capital Airport. At first, the taxi driver does not respond. Then he mumbles, “Good.”
Field Research: Day 391
Today I went to the Varsity Theater in Seattle and paid $4.00 for a bag of peanut M&Ms and $10.50 for a ticket to Birth of a Nation.
Dear Sweden,
Here in America, we have adopted a dog. The staff at the Seattle Humane Society gave us a strange and awkward look when we explained that we needed a dog “because dog-ownership is an integral stepping stone toward understanding the American experience from the inside.”
Dear Sweden,
Here in America, even the wretched vagrants believe in the truth and beauty of the free market.
Field Research: Day 135
In March of 2016, I traveled to China for two weeks to officiate a friend’s wedding. Upon my return, the restaurant manager waved me over and greeted me. She was sitting with one of the middle-managers. She said, “We are getting all new furniture for the restaurant. Chairs and tables.”
Dear Sweden,
Here in America, President Trump and Speaker Ryan have unveiled their new healthcare proposal: The American Health Care Act (AHCA).