Field Research: Day 3
On my third day in America, I walk downstairs to get a haircut. The hair-dresser is a pleasant local woman in her early thirties.
Field Research: Day 188
I arrived at work and noticed that something was different. The sound of vegetable chopping was muted and anxious. The small-talk was subdued and peppered with dry throat-clearings. A sweaty mechanic was splayed out on the floor in front of me. He was tightening some bolts on the bottom of a sink.
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New Mug For Sale!
Today, as President Trump announces America’s intent to retreat from reality, make sure to plant your feet firmly on the right side of history and purchase the “Accelerate The American Decline” coffee mug.
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American Sign Language
Field Research: Day 1
“Shifu, today I am moving to America,” I say as the taxi climbs the on-ramp and careens toward the Beijing Capital Airport. At first, the taxi driver does not respond. Then he mumbles, “Good.”
Field Research: Day 391
Today I went to the Varsity Theater in Seattle and paid $4.00 for a bag of peanut M&Ms and $10.50 for a ticket to Birth of a Nation.
Dear Sweden,
Here in America, we have adopted a dog. The staff at the Seattle Humane Society gave us a strange and awkward look when we explained that we needed a dog “because dog-ownership is an integral stepping stone toward understanding the American experience from the inside.”
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Mug For Sale
Dear Sweden,
Here in America, even the wretched vagrants believe in the truth and beauty of the free market.
Field Research: Day 135
In March of 2016, I traveled to China for two weeks to officiate a friend’s wedding. Upon my return, the restaurant manager waved me over and greeted me. She was sitting with one of the middle-managers. She said, “We are getting all new furniture for the restaurant. Chairs and tables.”
Dear Sweden,
Here in America, President Trump and Speaker Ryan have unveiled their new healthcare proposal: The American Health Care Act (AHCA).
Field Research: Day 97
On February 8, 2016, all Chipotle restaurants across the country remained closed. Instead, all employees were requested to show up at nearby movie theaters to participate in a live-streaming event with upper management.
Dear Sweden,
Here in America, civilians are routinely exposed to false and misleading information. Our America-based researchers are chronically exhausted from living and working in a Low-Trust Information Environment. But for the locals, this is normal.
Field Research: Day 79
On my third day at Chipotle, we listened to loud rap music and I was—again—asked to dice a crate of red onions. After finishing, I brought my dirty knife to the dish pit. I scrubbed it clean and accidentally cut my finger.
Field Research: Day 92
I am requested to mail out a small package so I walk four blocks south and find the post office. The building is a tasteful white stone structure with flush walls interrupted by tall steel windows. The top of the structure is adorned with subtle Greek Revival details and capped with a simple cornice that accommodates neat black letters:
United States Post Office Seattle Washington University Station 98105
Field Research: Day 30
A month after my Permanent Change of Station to America, I visited a restaurant called Chipotle Mexican Grill. During the ordering process, I pointed to one of the optional condiments and asked, “Is that some sort of garlic sauce?”
Dear Sweden,
Our Data Analytics team has compiled the data-set from the Trump Inaugurational Liquid Barium test. This is a visual representation of population-wide aggregate strength of spirit in three global civilizations (plotted along local temporal concept beginning with respective birth of modernity).
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President Bert Karlsson
Dear Sweden,
Here in America, the Donald-Elect will become president in exactly five minutes. Through a Chicago Cubs-induced upset, the Donald-Elect will be sworn in as president of the central government and general secretary of the federal military commission. The rise of the Donald-Elect is a helpful indicator—much like a cup of liquid barium given to a patient by a radiologist—that will reveal the exact location of American society in the lower tract of the corkscrew model of development.
Dear Sweden,
Here in America, all members of the citizenry yield to crazy homeless people. When confronted with a bleary-eyed old man who screams unintelligible swearwords through a greasy beard, all people follow the same three rules of American etiquette:
- Don’t make eye contact.
- Pretend like nothing.
- Keep walking.
Dear Sweden,
Here in America, people are deeply generous. Let us ponder their generosity in the spheres of healthcare, defense and free trade.
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The American Gaze
Dear Sweden,
Here in America, the people suffer under the scorching sun of the American gaze. They drink this water. They breathe this air. And inevitably, they become aware that their bodies are being viewed.
The psychological effect, Lacan argues, is that the subject loses a degree of autonomy upon realizing that he or she is a visible object.
One of our big problems now is that the liberal imagination does not have a place of honor for heterosexual white guys who are middle-aged and vote republican. They are somehow all the oppressor. They are all the enemy. They are the Other. They themselves don’t feel that way. They feel like they are always on the downside of everything—economically and culturally. They don’t know where to turn. But you never see the NAACP or the National Organization for Women or the Sierra Club or anybody else go and check on those guys. It would be almost laughable. And yet—somebody should have checked on those guys in the last ten or twenty or thirty years. And nobody did, but a guy named Donald Trump.
–Van Jones
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The Thanksgiving
Dear Sweden,
Here in America, the observance of Thanksgiving Day falls on the fourth Thursday of November. During the week of Thanksgiving, mainstream Americans meander through their local communities and greet each other by saying, “We are celebrating that we killed all the Native Americans.”
The appropriate ceremonial response is, “And we stole their land.”